This week we’re joined by my best friend, editor, and co-host of Ladies Slaying Dragons, Kili Fox!
“Welcome to Whose Turn Is It Anyway?! The show where everything is made up and the kill count doesn’t matter! I’m your Dungeon Master, Hew Sparey. Come on down and let’s have some fun!”
The presenter of the show shouts from atop the audience bleachers. The ghastly pale vampire trots down the steps towards the stage where the show is about to take place.
On the stage are the four comedians that entertain the audience on a weekly basis. There is an Illithid, who goes by the name of Payne Brainy, wearing basic black slacks and an orange colored shirt of simple make. To the right of him is Clegg Troops, an Owlbear in a sharply cut blue suit and red tie. Hovering above the chair next to Clegg is a Beholder with a large grin on his face, Crawlin Mockery. In the last chair of the contestants row sits Fryin Smiles, a gold Dragon who is making amusing faces towards the gathered crowd.
As Hew reaches his chair and desk, the cheers from the crowd die down as they know the show is about to begin.
“Hello everyone and thank you for joining us tonight,” Hew says with a smile. “We have a great show ahead of us tonight! Let’s start off with Scenes from a Hat.” As he finishes the announcement, the four members of the panel move from their seats to either side of the stage. Payne and Clegg are on the left while Crawlin and Fryin are to the right.
“During this game, I will be drawing scenarios from this hat,” he says while pulling a witch’s hat from underneath his desk. “The scenes where written by you lovely people in the audience. These fine creatures will be preforming their versions of the scenes.”
“Let’s begin with…” He reaches into the hat and pulls out a slip of paper, “Things you can say to your victims but not your mother.”
The crowd begins to giggle when Fryin steps to the center of the stage and says, “I could just eat you up”. Pure laughter erupts for the people watching. As he walks off stage he begins to lick each of his fingers and winks the spectators.
Payne walks towards the center of the stage. His eyes stare intently at the audience in front of him. He does not say a single word. After a moment passes the crowd erupts with laughs and shouts. After they are done Payne walks back to his place on the left side of the stage.
Everyone in the bleachers cackles with joy. There is a half-elf mage amongst them that wipes a tear from her eye and tries to catch her breath.
“Alright, next up is…” Hew shouts while reaching into the hat for a new scene, “Things you shouldn’t do while delivering your evil monologue.”
The contestants take a moment to consider their jokes. The first one to move to the stage is Crawlin.
“This world is on the brink of destruction, and I intend to,” He says as he begins dancing mid-air and preforming a light show with his different eye stocks. Not many people in the crowd react to his attempt at humor. There is a bead of sweat that drips from his brow as he focuses his central eye to the right side of the bleachers. A moment paces and the people he is looking at bursts into amusement and tears. Crawlin proudly hovers back to his spot and the people who were laughing stop as soon as he looks away from them.
Clegg rushes to the center of the stage to deliver his joke.
He squats down in a seated positon and exclaims with a strain to his voice, “You will bow before me!” After the words leave his mouth he gives a heavy sigh, stands, and pretends to wipe himself as if he were just on a toilet. The onlookers cackle with delight as Clegg stands up and pretends to wipe himself and walks off the stage.
Hew tries his best to collect himself and says “Oh gods. Ok, for our final scene… it will be… Sidekick ideas that didn’t make the cut.”
Payne walks to the center of the stage and waves to his show partners to join him. They line up next to each other and Payne gestures towards them and says nothing. Everyone in the area starts laughing uncontrollably as Clegg, Crawlin, and Fryin just stand their purposely looking dumbfounded.
The laughter is only muffled by applause as Hew stands to clap which signals the comedians to go back to their seats.
The cheers begin to quiet down and Hew takes his seat as well. He looks to everyone and says, “After that, I’m giving a kill count of 100 to everyone because you guys slayed us all! For our next game Helping Hands. For this I will ask need from two members of our audience…”
Everyone in the crowd raises their hands instantaneously while shouting to get Hew’s attention. He looks around and points at two individuals in the crowd. One is older Triton man who looks to be wearing his evening’s best, and the other is a younger Tabaxi female dressed in a sky blue dress. Both make their way to the stage and are greeted by Crawlin and Fryin.
Hew returns to his desk and says, “For this game, Fryin will have his hands behind his back and Crawlin…well he doesn’t have any hands so this will be easy. They will be acting out a scene and our volunteers will act as their arms and hands. The scene is going to be ‘Tidying up your liar for your significant other’. And…GO!”
The Triton man walks behind Crawlin who uses his bottom most eye stocks on either side of his head as arms. The onlookers giggle at the sight of a Beholder with Triton legs. While this is happening, the Tabaxi woman takes charge and climbs up the back of Fryin in order to get the proper angle. Fryin is rather tall which makes the small arm of the Tabaxi look very amusing.
“Oh dear, these bodies simply must go,” Fryin proclaimed in a high pitched voice. His replacement arms waved around wildly in all directions.
“But dear, the pit out back has no more room for these fools,” Crawling said in response as he turned his body one way but his arms tried turning a different way. He noticed the conflict and tried to move with the audience member guiding him. “There is always room for a pit over here!”
The guest with Fryin put one had on his hip and the other started shaking their had at Crawlin.
Frying quickly retorted, “No, no, no. That simply won’t work. That’s where the sacrificial fire will be going next week.”
The Triton behind Crawlin lays a gentle hand on Fryin’s shoulder.
“My dear, that is a brilliant idea! How did you come up with it,” Crawlin asks as he looks longingly into Fryin’s eyes.
Fryin looks down at the hand as the the Tabaxi places a furry hand on top of the Triton’s hand.
“Oh darling, it was simple,” Fryin steps closer to Crawlin. “I just simply…”
The two lean in for a kiss as the crowd goes wild.
“Alright, that’s enough of that love birds,” Hew shouts from his desk. “Thank you to our guests for helping out.”
Applause erupts from the crowd as the performers return to their seats.
“I’m giving 50 kills to each of our guests for leading us to such a romantic sight,” Hew says. “Now for our final skit of the night, you guessed it, ‘Throw Down’! We will need our lovely lute player, Cora Tall”.
Cora Tall, a halfling bard, enters from off stage and waves at the crowd as they cheer for her. While she sets up for her performance, the cast members all gather at the center of the stage in a straight line.
Hew looks to the crowd and says “What I need from you lovely folks, is a suggestion for the prompt ‘What is your favorite hiding spot?’.”
Suggestions from the people start flying left and right, until Hew hears one that he particularly likes and shouts “The Ceiling! Alright, tonight’s Throwdown will be about ceilings! Let’s go!”
As he says that, Cora starts playing her lute to an old time tune. The stars on stage start dancing along mildly until it’s Payne’s time to start.
The music continues playing but Payne, the Illithid, doesn’t say a word. The section where one would be signing is nearly finished but he has uttered a single word. When it’s over the audience explodes in laughter as Payne had telepathically sang his part in all of their minds.
When the tune comes around again, it’s Clegg’s turn.
“When I was a young boy, alone in my room
I noticed something awkward coming from the roof.
I climbed the ladder to inspect what I had seen.
I never would have guessed it was a nudie magazine.”
The crowd hoots and hollers as Crawlin begins their part.
“My wife she told me to fix the leaking ceiling
But she didn’t know with what I was dealing.
I looked for the source of the dripping water,
Then I got attacked by an angry otter.”
The music comes to a halt and the attendee’s enjoyment dies. Crawlin’s joke wasn’t that funny. Sweat starts to drip as he looks at a section of the crowd in front of him. His central eye widens and that portion of the crowd starts laughing again. The rest of the people awkwardly follow suit and _____ starts the song back up so that Fryin could finish up the skit.
“I never was one to find a hiding space,
I would much rather just spit in your face.
But if I had to choose a space to be a creep,
Why not have it be a place I can watch you sleep?”
All of the actors on stage chime in for the last cord of the song and sing “A PLACE I CAN WATCH YOU SLEEP.”
The roar of laughter is so loud, but Haw looks to everyone and says “Thank you everyone for joining. This has been Whose Turn is it Anyway? Have a great evening!”
Thank you so much for reading!
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